It's funny how pictures lit only by dim yellow fluorescence can give such a sense of reality - in motion, blurred, hard to catch. Our life, the Greatest Show on Earth! ^_^
Things have been busy-bordering-on-chaotic for the last few weeks; at least that's my story for my long silence and I'm stickin' to it. This blog has become my virtual Kitchen Counter O' Crap - you know, that one space in the kitchen you use to dump the dpzens of catalogs you seem to get in the mail each day, the PTA meeting notices, the coupons that will expire long before you get around to clipping them. I pass by that counter at least a hundred times a day and each time I stop, just for half a second, and I think Wow, I really should clean that... only to be distracted by the microwave beeping, a baby crying, a poopy diaper burning up in my hand and begging for the trash can. And so it's left another hour, another day, and it keeps getting more and more cluttered until you realize how much it has entered daily conversation. Where is ---?
I don't know, somewhere on The Counter.
And so I have felt so behind here, so caught up in each day that the thought of going back and editing and organizing and rearranging the happenings of the previous one leaves me with a yucky taste in my mouth.
But today is a special day for our circus and I couldn't deny it was time to put things in their place.
Cade. What to say for Cade? He was doing great for a while, gently medicated on his 5mg of Adderall XR. His teacher was incredibly impressed, the usual storm of his behavior had calmed to a light drizzle. And then... ah, there's always an "and then" isn't there? Suddenly his concentration at school was scattered, his violent outbursts at home more frequent. Exasperated, we asked Dr. Dum Dum (I mean, the pediatrician) if we could try to increase his dose to 10mg. See what happens. The last few days have been puzzling; upsetting. He has been cold, aloof, intense and angry - some ultra-introverted goth teen trying to act like he doesn't need nothin', no one. Still hoping it's just a temporary glitch as his brain processes this new amount of Stuff and he will eventually find a happy balance, but really, I'm beginning to doubt his diagnosis. I really think he might end up falling clumsily somewhere on the high end of the Austism Spectrum and I know it's time to get him in to that pediatric holistic-medicine psychiatrist we've had our eyes on and I admit I'm a little afraid to do so.
Today I did something maybe a little strange, though I know many other parents who have done it - I took some of his medication myself (a double dose, though still probably not enough based on my weight) to see what was what. And it was strange; I felt I had jumped into his sneakers for a couple hours while my body burned through the medication and I was vaguely aware of the fact that I felt very calm, very serious, very cold and far away. Sure, I got the living room clean in half as much time as it usually takes me. But I felt a little... robotic. And it scares me to think that is how Cade feels each day. I want to find a med-free way to help him do his best and I am hoping we can do that this summer, free from the annoyance of well-meaning teachers who think every kid should be doing So and So by Such and Such time.
A friend on one of my message boards posted a link to a pretty awesome article regarding new research in ADHD and other behavior issues - it's pretty common sense when you think about it, but it is always nice to see "problems" looked at through a positive lens. I confess I sometimes wonder if I am an Orchid Kid myself. Cade and I have a lot in common.
Parker is doing great, as he tends to do. :) He was discharged from speech therapy last month with articulation in average range at last and expressive/receptive above his age. He just had his Kindergarten screening this week and did great - he is pretty excited about the new adventure he'll be taking on in September!
I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but the school district here is pretty fabulous and we are lucky to have an excellent Universal PreK program. His school has an annual Literacy Day where the kiddos get to bring their fave book and dress as their fave character and then parade around for some pretty cute pictures. Parker was adorable and can I just say it's amazing how much a $10 ridiculously large toothbrush can induce giggles in a 4 year old? ^_^
Scissors. Ah, how I hate scissors. My sweet little Macy had an unfortunate incident with a pair last week and her finally-growing wisps of hair were shaped into the most lovely mullet you can imagine. $13 (with tip) at my favorite day spa later and she has a cute bob that will keep her cool for the summer. She is still working on potty-training (ugh) and is ever the Little Mother. I'm convinced she will grow up either to be a Physical or Occupational therapist or raise a whole brood of kids (2 boys and 13 girls, according to her ^_~). She continues to be smart, silly and affectionate and I will miss her terribly when she starts PreK this fall. We are making huge progress with her speech articulation issues, though she will still get services at least until Kindergarten, and her receptive/expressive scores are even relatively further beyond-age than those of her big brother.
Dawson; My Dawson.
Oh, my little boy is growing up. He is walking. Not just walking occasionally, for X number of feet. He is walking all over, opening cupboards, pulling out pans, seeing what treasures he can reach and pull down from that aforementioned kitchen counter. He is ready, he is set, he is off! He is kicking his red sensory ball all over the living room and yelling, "I got it!" to no one in particular, all grins and joy at his newfound freedom. Joy. If he were a girl it would be his middle name.
Gorgeous boy, littlest one - Holden is just flying along. He is sitting up on his own, getting down onto his tummy on his own and melting my heart by the hour all on his own. The other day I was struck for a minute as I watched him sitting on the living room floor, laughing at the antics of his big siblings and munching on Gerber cheese puffs and sipping juice from a straw - where did my baby go? I can see the anticipation in his eyes when he watches all the action around him and while part of me can't wait to run with him, the other part wants to keep him here, snug against my chest. No matter how hard I try, I can never freeze these moments in my mind; perhaps I just have an awful memory or it's simply a side effect of having a large family - but oh how I wish I could Remember This.
(Don't mind the black eye courtesy of a meeting with the Corner of the slate planter in our living room. Ah, the joys of cruising.)
I saved the best for last.
One year ago today Emerson was being Gotcha'd.
And for a while there I thought we would be trapped forever in our own worlds, never to meet except in silent passing, the last few weeks have found Emerson ... well, Found.
She had an upper endoscopy about a month ago which revealed no physical abnormalities but did show inflammation from reflux and h. pylori bacteria. After a massive dose of antibiotics and beginning a course of antacid medication and a few days of me and Matt in a panic over the idea of a G-tube in our future, she just started eating. A lot! And though she still has strong aversions and preferences, she has opened herself up to a few new tastes and textures - she even imitates me when I chew crazily, chanting "Chew chew chew" like an overachieving train. She is trying. Finally. And she went from 20 lbs to 22 lbs in 2 weeks. She was always a stubborn bratty little thing - now she's a Chunky stubborn bratty little thing!
The best part of all - she's WITH US. Her days of staring into space are long gone. She is with us, always. Even when she gets tired, hungry, thirsty or otherwise miserable, though she still will sometimes toss her head into the wall like croutons into a salad, she is still WITH US. And she is learning signs like crazy.
Baby.
Eat.
Drink.
More.
All done.
Sleepy.
My turn.
Dada.
And my favorite - momma.
She has even combined a couple signs and above all, the girl has Attitude. When she's irritated, she lets you know. And though sometimes her strong emotions take me aback, what a difference from the far-away princess we were entertaining just a few short months ago.
It took long enough, but I am so grateful It came. The moment when I realized hey, yeah, she fits in this wild circus of ours. She is the tightrope walker, teetering somewhere between falling and soaring, and I am at last the grateful net waiting beneath her still-size-2 feet, enjoying the Show.
