the middle

Holden has been doing so many neat things this week - rolling over both ways, reaching for and manipulating toys and expanding his vocal repertoire to all sorts of coos and squeals and even surprising us by taking a taste of baby food and liking it.

I've been shocked at how absolutely delighted I am by every milestone this time around; I think because he is sans one extra chromosome I figured my reactions to his progress would be a bit tamer than they are with Dawson and Emerson. How wonderful to find I was wrong!

It's hard to describe the intense emotions that swirl up when I am holding Dawson's hands and walking with him, when I feel him straighten up a bit more and pull his weight away from my support and it seems those first independent steps are so close I could graze them with my fingertips. My chest tightens, a cage of butterflies is flung open in my stomach and my nose starts to tingle beside tears that are at the ready. I am on tiptoe atop a tree branch and flight seems altogether possible. And then Dawson feels the uncertainty of his own weight and looks up at me, grinning nervously, before crashing down to the floor with a laugh while my anticipation creeps back. And then Emerson signs "all done" at lunch and it rushes out again. And each day finds me in this dance, emotions pulled taut like a guitar string.

So how amazing to see how similar my reaction is to something so simple as Holden reaching his long fingers out to graze a toy suspended from the bar of his bouncy seat. And I can only stand in awe again at how powerfully Down syndrome can give you new eyes. It is like living life in slow motion, the idea of forgetting to stop and smell the flowers an impossible one with the roses blooming unabashedly against your face. And for the first time I realize exactly how much I missed with my first three children, moments slipped away to echo feebly in my memories.

A friend (thanks, Gina!) emailed me a link to a blog that made me painfully aware of my own creative shortcomings and the fact that I really must replace my broken camera but also left me reminiscing, amazed at how far my emotions have journeyed since that first day I truly believed Dawson had Down syndrome. I wanted to post some short, perfect comment that would serve as a travel brochure for this mommy, but I don't do short very well.

For just a few moments I was back there, examining him for markers I read about on some website after being unable to shake off my awareness of the ones I had already seen. I am seeing the single crease on one of his palms, and a heavy curtain of terror is thrown over my mind and the tears start pouring as somewhere beneath the pure emotion in which I am swimming our entire life is playing itself out like a movie in my head. Every once in a while a certain fact comes up on the screen and I zero in on it, pulling it into sharp focus and letting out an agonized cry - he will never have children. I don't know why but that one hurt the most, and it was the one I went back to again and again any time I started to get a grip on the grief. It was sure to send me back over the edge and that was where I wanted to be.

And then I am sitting at the computer - exactly where I am right now - and picking up my cell phone when it rings. Matt has Dawson at the pediatricians for his 2-week check-up and all he has to say, in a slightly broken voice is, "He has it." And I am floating, I am gone all over again and I know, know it deeper than my bones, that I will never be happy again. I will never be happy again.

I do a lot of wandering over the next few weeks, holding Dawson against me and sobbing passionately like a mother straight out of The Iliad, and I no longer wonder what the hell it means to beat ones breast. I put the other kids down for a nap, even Cade who hadn't napped in nearly a year, so I can sit at the kitchen table with a glass of wine and a bottle of my favorite beer, picking at the green Heineken label where it says "Product of Holland" and trying desperately not to get the irony. Dawson is jaundiced, so sleepy, barely eating, I am convinced he is not going to survive. And sometimes I cry out that it's okay, to just get it over with and let me go back to my previously scheduled program. But then I spray tearful kisses against Dawson's face and the thought of losing him is even more terrible than the current twist of emotions in my chest and all I can say is to please, please, let me keep him.

And then I am coming out of that fog, rubbing my eyes and trying to find some decent footing. And most of the time I am OKAY. But every once in a while I remember Down syndrome and I am crushed all over again. I am changing Dawson's diaper while he stares up at me knowingly - oh and he has Down syndrome. I am holding him steady on my lap and pat-pat-patting out the burp I can hear in his chest - oh and he has Down syndrome. I am taking more pictures than I ever have before and I am scrutinizing every single one of them until I find the ones where he looks least like he has Down syndrome. Those are the ones I want to share. And I ask myself the question we all ask - will it always be like this?

Eventually I am convinced it won't be. I am in love with my little boy and see only his perfectly round cheeks, his pink bow lips and the way he forces me to drag goodness out of myself. I am not happy again. I am a new thing, a thing I never knew before, a thing the word "happy" barely touches. I cry nearly every night for the next 10 months as I rock my angel to sleep, wild, grateful tears. I have been flung so completely from my sorrow as if from a sling-shot and I know only. this. bliss.

Then we are finding Emerson; I am lashing out with this new love and making crazy plans. And I am waiting, and waiting and dying a little bit more each day. Maybe it wasn't a sling shot but a tennis racket and I can see the path of the rebound ahead of me. And then she is here, and she is not my angel, she is Down syndrome. Oh and she is Emerson. And I realize the goodness dragged out can slink back in, finding its spot still warm. And I hate Down syndrome. One night I find myself crying again, rocking Dawson to sleep in the girls' room, crying to the tune of Emerson's harsh grinding and Dawson desperately pulling air through too-small passageways. And I hate Down syndrome. For the first time since those early weeks I hate Down syndrome even in Dawson.

And now I have taken myself out of the tennis match. I no longer swing from ecstasy to agony. I find fault in Down syndrome when Emerson barely breaks 300 calories. But I marvel at its resourcefulness when she pulls herself up on once-weak legs to bat a cup off the coffee table so she can get a drink. I cried when Dawson sat in the hospital with pneumonia, but I cried tonight too when he grabbed my face and brushed his lips against my mouth and said, "I lub oo." I am content knowing that if someone had offered me a magic drug during my pregnancy to remove that pesky extra chromosome - and the same to Emerson's mother - and I did not know the beauty of these two souls, I would have taken it. But I DO know them and so the thought of either of them being different is a terrible one and I can only be glad such magic doesn't exist. They bring me joy and sadness, they make the everyday extraordinary, the smallest accomplishment the greatest feat, they bring balance, and oh yes, they have Down syndrome. And I think this will be where I settle in. Here in The Middle, you know, just like Jimmy Eat World says.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

Emerson after waking up and Dawson trying to "catch" the light. :)

an open letter to Beech-Nut

Dear Sir or Madam:

It has recently come to my attention that you have made the decision to discontinue your "Good Evening" line of baby foods, reverting back to your usual "2nd Stage" labels. Although this in and of itself is not a huge issue - after all, as long as you don't create a "Toxic Treats" line or something similar, we parents really couldn't care less what little phrase you choose to put on the jar.

But it seems that while you were changing the label, someone also decided to tinker with the contents of some of the foods, specifically, Turkey Tetrazzini.

I have had a long and troubled relationship with Turkey Tetrazzini, so it is with great inner conflict that I am writing today to mourn it's recent makeover. Previously every single shirt I own has been the recipient of Turkey Tetrazzini's "Water, White Carrots, Turkey, Medium Grain Rice Flour, Enriched Rice Mac Rings, Heavy Cream, Sweet Whey, Fos, Unsalted Butter" and though the tiny golden-orange splatters are annoying, they represent what was for the longest time the only baby food our little Emerson would eat.

However, she is not so fond of the new "Carrots, water, turkey, peas, rice flour, heavy cream, enriched rice macaroni rings, unsalted butter" that you are trying to pass of as Turkey Tetrazzini. In fact, she hates it so much that if she even catches sight of the new white and green label she falls into hysteria.

I do not understand why you felt it necessary to change the ingredients of this slightly-less-foul-smelling foul-smelling baby "food," especially without notifying the parents of Emersons around the country beforehand. But I am writing to ask you - no, beg you - to find it in your hearts to bring back the old Turkey Tetrazzini.

The only other meat/veggie baby food that Emerson will tolerate is Sweet Potatoes & Turkey (not Turkey & Sweet Potatoes - she is very particular) and unfortunately there is only one store in all of Binghamton that carries it and when they're out, well, they're out. And until I can see myself staking out the store to figure out what day and time Beech-Nut is stocked and standing with cash in hand at the delivery area, you are severely impacting our little Emerson's eating capabilities.

Although in some ways it is endearing when Emerson turns her head and cries angrily at all but two types of baby food - really, it's one of the few things that is 2-year-old about her - ultimately I just want her to eat.

And because of your little marketing decision, she won't be doing that quite as enthusiastically anymore.

Really, who likes PEAS anyways?

Truly yours (at least for another year or so),
A Reluctant Old Turkey Tetrazzini Advocate

out of sight

We are very blessed to live just a short drive down the highway from the Outman family for many, many reasons. This weekend Emerson was lucky to spend some time with them! I have had so many offers for a little respite over the past few months, and I have always been reluctant to say okay, partly because I am a mom who never goes away from her kids for more than a few hours - unless it's to have a baby or adopt a baby LOL! - and partly because I have been afraid it might be traumatic for Emerson. Last week was a rough one for all of us, especially it seemed for Emerson, who was seeming to regress with sleep and eating and the self-injurous behavior, and with the kids asking to go to the ScienceCenter in Ithaca, I figured it might be good for us to have some separate time.

So Em got to play and cuddle with Julie and her little guys (and Julie's sister, Lisa and her Eastern European princess, Katie!) and we got to make the hour drive to the museum and out to dinner afterwards, something we haven't done since Emerson started eating baby food. It was strange not having her with us and I admit I kept trying to take the time to figure out how I felt about her being gone.

Cade's behavior has taken a turn for the worse over the last couple weeks and after some stressful moments at the museum and restaurant I was reminded that Em really isn't the most challenging child we have LOL. Matt and I both felt like something was off the whole weekend, and when I picked her up I was so happy to see her, I don't think I realized I was really missing her until she was back. :)

She did very well during her sleepover with this awesome family and she seemed excited when we picked her up and though she acted a bit angry with me yesterday evening and wouldn't even really make eye contact, this morning she woke up in a fantastic mood and has spent the day happier than I've ever seen her. Even our PT commented that she was just so darn happy. Maybe she loved having a little break from our chaotic household, or maybe she liked waking up in her familiar surroundings, or perhaps we both just needed to be out of sight for a bit to realize how much we really do like each other's company. ^_^

It has been refreshing to have her home and smiling again. ^_^




I finally caught her silly "pirate eye" look on camera LOL!


I'm gonna getcha!



Too sweet. :)

a way with words

I walked into the bathroom the other night in search of Dawson (who loves to play in the bathroom for unknown reasons) only to discover not only had he figured out how to open the toilet seat, but he'd also taken the liberty to grab the plunger and get to work, all while chanting "Plunge, plunge, plunge..." Funny, I didn't think that was a high-frequency word in our house but geesh, I guess it's used enough. ^_^ And since I was not lucky enough to happen to be carrying my camera, after grabbing him and washing his hands I went and got it, came back and restaged the scene (bad mommy!) LOL!

Dawson seems to be picking up on language as we go now - he learned "snow" and "sand" when we took the kids to the park to ice skate the other weekend. Yesterday he said "light" when I turned the oven light on and today he surprised me with a perfectly pronounced "hammer" while he was working on his Elmo tool bench.

He is still pushing his little carts around the house and amazingly within just a matter of a few days he figured out how to turn it himself. I could've danced when he first did it - no more dashing to his screams for help when he hits the end of the hallway heh! Sunday night I was sitting in the living room (pumping, if you must know!) and I turned my head and my heart stopped for a second when I saw Dawson standing there. Nobody and no object around him, just standing there like he was on his way to the kitchen for a snack. He has been trying to push himself to standing through a bear stance but he never quite gets his body straightened up - except that time! I am so excited for him to start walking on his own. So, so soon! :)

Emerson also said her first word (other than her little "hi" sound she makes in greeting) and how cute that it was Dawson's first word, too. "Ball!" I think she is trying to say "baby" too as she babbles "bay-bah" whenever I sit with her with Holden in my arms. She has signed "eat" a few times, too. Just like Dawson, her trouble is consistency and the fact that she knows we can figure out what she wants most of the time. It's nice to think though that maybe things are starting to click together in that little head of hers! :)

Holden is doing great - he is around 16 lbs now (yes, at 3 months old!) and smiles and laughs and coos and he also says "Hi" in greeting or in response to our "hi" - probably just imitation right now but boy he sure says it well! He loves Dawson and giggles whenever he's in his line of vision. He is starting to roll over both from back to tummy and tummy to back - oh it goes so fast!

We got Cade's ADHD testing results and it's about a 95% chance of an ADHD diagnosis. Next step is to have a medical doctor make the official diagnosis. It doesn't change much, it's just a man-made term after all, but it's good to know so we can start looking into specific discipline techniques and do what we can to help him handle life better.

Parker amazes us and is pretty far ahead the other kids in his PreK class. He can write his name for the most part (he forgets the "a" - stinkin' letter!), knows the days of the week and his drawing skills are great. We shouldn't be surprised with his awesome fine motor skills - he was unscrewing the outlet covers with a screwdriver and opening child-proof prescription bottles at 2 LOL!

Macy's doing well too - we are still working on potty-training (why oh why are all my kids so stubborn?) and she seems very comfortable with the idea of going to school this fall.

And that concludes this episode of Child Round-Up, stay tuned for some pictures! :)



For some reason Em likes to climb up on boxes - ANY box. If it's low enough she backs herself up onto it LOL.


Her hair is getting so long - she is starting to look like a big girl now!




My little cutie pie.

from Serbia, with love

The other day we got to visit with this adorable little guy, David, and his wonderful mommy, Julie! This family was the inspiration that eventually led us to our decision to adopt a child with DS, and as fate would have it we ended up adopting from the very same orphanage as David came home from. Julie got to hold Emerson and take pictures for us right after we committed. We are lucky enough to live in the same area - how cool is that? :)

It was so amazing for me to see David again. The first time was just a few months after he came home with his new family and he was so very similar to Emerson - to see how far he has come was so wonderful! He is an absolute doll! ^_^

We have been doing much better the last week. Emerson and Dawson are both healthy again, and Em had her much-anticipated ENT appointment yesterday morning. Her ears were completely clear, the tubes are still in place and open and she passed her hearing test for the first time! Once again, we were surprised by the good news. So the grinding is not just a matter of pressure from her ears - though that obviously worsens it - but probably just a self-comfort habit at this point. I have gotten pretty good at ignoring it now, though if she really gets into it I will gently remind her no and try to distract her. She has definitely toned down both the intensity and the frequency over the last few days and as silly as it seems to think, she seems to know that it annoys me the most at bedtime - I sit with Macy for a while as she's settling down and so the sound is awful in that quiet, dark little room and I feel badly for Macy trying to get to sleep with it - and the last few nights Em has grinded very quietly, almost inaudibly, like she is trying not to bother us LOL. She is a sweetie. :)

I have been feeling much closer to her these days, I think because having all the negative comments thrown my way before made me recognize how much PERCEPTION can determine your reality. It's too easy to look at a situation and draw a conclusion and get so wrapped up in your own perception that you ignore the possibility that it's wrong. I too got wrapped up in my own negative perceptions of Em's issues and I decided to change my thinking. Sometimes we can become narrow-minded without even realizing we've done so - seeing that in someone else is an opportunity to see it in ourselves as well. It's not easy and not constant, but I think trying to look at the situation more rationally has allowed me to see the bond between us and realize just how much I love her. And then her issues are dulled just as Dawson's are dulled, and the issues of my other kids are dulled. And then the positive perceptions come easier - it's a wonderful cycle.

This morning I worked up the courage to take Dawson and Emerson (with Macy and Holden!) to a therapy/play group run by Cade's former occupational therapist (who is awesome). Geesh what a morning. Matt works from home so I normally leave Dawson and Emerson with him when taking Parker to and from preK (about a 15 minute drive each way) or I try to schedule therapies around the times I'll be out, so this was the first time I have had all the kids with me. Having three nonwalkers of course means I had to get the double stroller out, get Dawson and Emerson in, carry Holden's carseat on one arm and get the stroller and Macy and Parker into the school building (through two heavy sets of doors, of course) and then back out minus one. I forgot the diaper bag on my way out so had to turn around, making Parker 15 minutes late. At least all the other moms and dads had come and gone so there weren't any jaw-dropped, eyes-popped HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE EXACTLY? reactions to laugh off. We finally made it to the play group at a local church to discover the two other little ones with DS weren't able to make it. But I came prepared - I had an entire playgroup all on my own, after all. ^_~ The kids had fun exploring the new place and hopefully next week Dawson and Em will have two new playmates!

I can only say - I can't wait until Dawson is walking!!! I am aiming for the next 2 months. I've always been laid-back about his progress but this is one milestone I am pushing that boy to reach. :) Em will be getting her orthotics in the next few weeks and she's actually more motivated than her little brother so I'm hoping she's soon to follow. Ah, I dream of days with no infant carseats, slings and strollers LOL!

tickled pink

My Mini is here! And it's just as pink as the above picture shows (I was just too lazy to take a real pic; please accept this stock photo instead LOL) - I love it! ^_^

My suddenly gargantuan hands are still getting used to this tiny little keyboard and this is the first HP I've ever owned so some of the key placements are throwing me off and the screen is so much smaller than I'm used to I keep thinking there's something wrong with my glasses but hey, it's PINK!! :)

Emerson just finished her antibiotic course and the ENT did agree to call in a prescription for ear drops last week so she seems to be feeling better. Her ears had been gushing disgusting snotty fluid but that has since stopped. Her appointment is on Thursday so hopefully we will find out what's going on in there. She is still grinding her teeth a lot, but with a little less severity. I'm trying my best to maintain sanity around the sound, which perhaps results in me walking around gritting my teeth and twitching one eye like some ridiculous cartoon character, but oh well - did I mention my Mini is pink?

We are having a lot of behavior issues with Cade lately and as we've been poking at the idea since he was 18 months old we finally asked the school psychologist to please start testing for ADHD. He's almost 6 so the whole "he's too young, let's wait a bit" response we've gotten from his pediatricians for the last 4 years just isn't flying anymore.

My days can be pretty overwhelming. Half of our kids are high-needs and sometimes I find myself glancing at the other moms in the preK parking lot who just have two or three seemingly typical kiddos with a little wistfulness. Can we switch for a day?

Ah, but then I'd miss out on a lot of fun stuff too. And of course, those other moms probably don't have pink Minis. ^_~

peek-a-boo

Emerson had such a great day today, even with the constant grinding on both sides. I think being certain there is a physical problem that can hopefully be fixed behind its intensity gave me much more patience for the awful sound.

We won't knoww for sure what the issue is with her ears until her ENT visit on the 14th, but her pedi appointment tonight revealed both ears completely packed with thick fluid. I'm not sure if one or both tubes has come out, is not working properly, if she has a ruptured eardrum or if the tubes are still in place and functioning but it's still not enough to handle the fluid, but our pedi couldn't see anything in there because they are so filled. I have to think this is incredibly uncomfortable for her. It's very strange because after she had the wax removed from her ears a couple months ago, she stopped grinding completely. She was grind-free for about 3 weeks, until she had the PE tubes placed. Then about 2 days after the surgery she started grinding again and it has just gotten worse and worse until it got to its current intensity. There is some connection and I really hope the ENT can make it and find the solution. I hate that she has to wait until the 14th with all that gunk in her ears. :( We may have to search out a new non-pediatric ENT (this is the only one in our area) who is more responsive. I plan to call them tomorrow to at least see if we can get a prescription for some drops to help loosen the fluid before the appointment - I hate to wait 9 days just to be told she needs a course of drops before they can assess anything.

I appreciate so much all of the amazingly supportive comments and emails I've received. I didn't really expect anyone to come to my defense but I am humbled that so many have. I have locked the comments on the prior apparently controversial posts and will be moderating comments before publishing going forward. That's not to say that I won't allow critical comments, but I like having the opportunity to rebutt a comment immediately in the comment section, instead of filling up the main blog page with back-and-forth stuff. I will continue to be honest about my ups and downs, though with one of my resolutions being to blog more, hopefully you will see more ups than I show right now.

Following are two videos. The bottom one I took this morning.
I didn't mean for it to get so long but just like with Dawson I'm always afraid to stop taping and miss something cute. :) I realized while watching it back that she's now pivoting while sitting - that's new! And she's learned peek-a-boo from her little brother; this is exactly how Dawson plays it. (Onetrumedia isn't working for me right now, so I have to settle for the first 2 minutes with Dropshots - hopefully I can get the rest uploaded soon to share the cuteness!) Oh and apparently my scale was off last week - she was 20 lbs, 1 oz at the doctor's tonight!

The first video though is from our second day with her in Serbia. I never posted it because of the snail-like internet connection in the apartment, and tonight was the first time I've watched it back. I got a little teary, remembering how I wasn't sure what to say, what name to call her, or if she'd even hear me. Remembering how afraid I was that she would never truly smile. Sometimes I still see the little girl in this video and I know she will always be there. But she isn't so good at playing peek-a-boo, and so she's seen less and less these days. ^_^


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing

go

Seriously, this is what I'm talking about in judgement.

Well all this shows to those who are already concerned for your families situation is that she "was" happy before the baby was born?? And after she has become like a zombie.

The post comments are tame compared to emails from two people I have received.

Seriously, I have to PROVE to some readers that Emerson is still happy today merely because I posted a video of TWO MINUTES of her checking out during her grinding? Two minutes out of her entire day? Who wouldn't be defensive given comments like that? I guess if someone makes a hurtful and unfounded comment you're not allowed to feel angry and upset by it - that just makes you "defensive" which certainly means the hurtful comment was accurate, right? Truly flawed logic. I'm happy to post a video from today of her playing and actually engaging with us but honestly, why should I have to?

Ridiculous. If you can't fathom the possibility that someone can feel frustrated, upset and conflicted about their child's behavior while still providing proper attention and care for that child then you haven't known very many real life parents. And if that's the case, stop filling up my blog and my inbox with these sort of negative comments.

A good rule of thumb: if you wouldn't say it to someone's face in real life, don't say it online. So if you have anything further irrational, inflammatory or downright mean to say to me, make a video of yourself saying it and post it. And see the pure unkindness in yourself and be surprised and be ashamed. Doing anything less is mere cowardice.

how not to judge

"Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him."
- Goethe

It's a bit strange to be posting so much after such frequent droughts. :)
But since I made my "resolutions" post I have been assaulted by a few, but buoyed up by far more, and it wouldn't make sense not to talk about such an experience.

It seems a couple people think that the video of Em's grinding somehow proves that she is utterly miserable with our family and is doing worse than she was in the orphanage. I'm still amazed how anyone can so freely (mis)judge someone they've never met, but as I've been picking through my thoughts about all this today I realize I shouldn't be too surprised. I was - and really still am sometimes - guilty of the same.

Children with special needs teach us so many things. But I have come to realize that the most precious lesson is that of judgement.

Before Dawson's diagnosis, I couldn't understand why a mother couldn't just accept the child life had given her. But then I felt her anguish and fear myself, and I learned how not to judge.

Before we brought Emerson home, I couldn't understand why women with fertility struggles didn't just adopt - it was all the same to the woman, after all, and the kids needed help. But then I experienced firsthand the slow bonding with another's child versus the easier bond with a biological baby, and I learned how not to judge.

Before raising a child with more severe special needs, I couldn't understand why any woman would ever even think about terminating after a prenatal diagnosis. But then I felt the heartbreak of seeing a child struggle just to be part of her surroundings and though I still believe it is not the right decision, I now have nothing but compassion for those moms. I learned how not to judge.

Before adopting a previously institutionalized child, I couldn't understand how any family could ever, ever disrupt. I had never even heard of such a thing and I will never forget coming across a family who had disrupted for the first time before we traveled to Serbia and sharing my disbelief - and even disgust - with Matt. But then I experienced firsthand the pain of stressful behaviors and problems with attachment and I understood and my heart broke for any family that ever walked this path before me. I learned how not to judge.

Dawson and Emerson have both shown me every step of the way how to be not a better person, but more of a real person. These children are angels - angels undeserved, for sure - not because of their unique perfection but because of their unique ability to show us that imperfection is perfect, their amazing gift to teach us how not to judge others but especially how not to judge ourselves.

If you haven't yet learned those lessons, I hope someday you will. In the meantime, I will continue to share honestly - albeit somewhat dramatically! - what it is like for many of us on this journey. I am not alone, and for those reading this who have or who will share some of these same doubts, fears and negative emotions - YOU are not alone.

I took another video of Em today while she was playing in the living room but when I was uploading that I came across this older one on my camera and I couldn't help but post this instead. This is from August or so. This is my Em. The one who shares her brother's smile that seems to come from some deep joyful place within that the rest of us can only experience in glimpses. Sometimes she is hiding, but she is there. I get to see her everyday and the criticism I have received has only made me more determined not to let myself get swallowed by emotions, not to forget that decisions made with a cool head instead of a rash judgement are always the best ones, and not to give up.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Today during lunch Em was grinding so hard she was crying after each time. But she kept doing it, like she couldn't stop. And suddenly I felt absolutely certain that she was in pain. The grinding is a habit for her, I think, but the way she has been lost in it lately is not like her. We originally thought the fluid in her ears was responsible for the grinding, but after the PE tubes were placed the grinding got even worse. But something is not right in there. We called her ENT this afternoon asking for an appointment. They won't see her before the 14th unless there is a cancelation so she'll be going to the pedi tomorrow in the meantime in hopes he might see something in there.

We will figure this out.

two minutes in the life of...

Since some people seem to be incapable of moving on, I decided to take this 2 minute video this morning with my less-than-spectacular camcorder.

If you hope to understand the true feelings my post was intended to express, here is my challenge to you: turn up the volume on this clip until the grinding is about the equivalent of someone standing right beside you speaking. Play it over and over again for the next 4 hours. Give yourself a 1 1/2 hour break for naptime. Then play it over and over again for another 6 to 7 hours, conservatively, depending on bedtime. Now I'd like you to do that every single day for the next 6 1/2 months.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

If you are not frustrated, overwhelmed and yeah, at times, truly depressed and having difficulty connecting with this child, then I'd like to suggest you bottle up that patience and sell some to me. ^_^

Of course this little clip is just a slice of my day - it doesn't show the whining from two toddlers, the yelling from a preschooler and a kindergartner and the occasional crying of a 2 month old. On top of the grinding. Perhaps if you could immerse yourself in the sounds of my world you would more easily forgive a negative blog post made some random evening and appreciate the fact that I truly am coping relatively well. And if you can't, well you're more of a superhuman than I.