Saturday, February 14, 2009

behind these hazel eyes

Okay, so more like brown eyes but it's the title of a song so I couldn't change it heh!

I hate to steal the spotlight from Cade's birthday post so I thought I'd post separately about how surprised I am with how tough today was for me.

If this adoption were a pregnancy, I'd be due this week - and I must be feeling it. Today felt so much like a child was missing, when we were opening presents in the living room I got this sense of panic that I had left a baby in their crib, then realized Dawson was sitting right there on my lap.

She should have been here to celebrate today. I should have been talking about how beautiful Belgrade was, how fantastic the food tasted, how scary her heart surgery was but how this brave and beautiful girl came through just fine. Instead I was answering for I think the ten thousandth time the question of "When?" And as I have been responding for the past 5 months, with a small smile, "Hopefully next month."

I miss her. If anyone thinks it isn't possible to miss someone you've never even met, they're wrong. And while these days I seem to be functioning mostly on auto pilot, inside I am giving myself a small smile and trying to stop dreaming about "when."