Tuesday, February 03, 2009

how can I wait?

I am so emotional tonight. I try so hard to push away the frustration, the impatience, even the anger... this adoption is an act of love, those negative emotions have no place here.

Sometimes it is so hard.

Tonight we were told about new requirements for post-placement reports. New requirements that will mean $600 for each post-placement report, twice the first year and one each year after that until 2025. Another $10,000 in costs over the next 16 years. The irony of the situation screams at me. If we did not adopt this child, she would die. There are people that care enough to require another $10,000 be spent to tell them how well she is doing, but do not care enough to get her surgery or to at least rush her paperwork through so we might get her surgery instead? I am looking ahead at thousands of dollars in out-of-pocket expenses for surgery and possibly medication for pulmonary hypertension for the rest of her life because she has waited so long ... now I have to also factor in these reports.

Tonight I am so sad. I feel like our sweet Andjela has only one friend in this world, and that wonderful person is struggling alone to help her and the other children. Sometimes I catch myself looking at houses for sale in Belgrade, wishing so much we could move there and help her... maybe there is something more I can do. Or maybe I cannot do anything at all. It is hard to feel so powerless.

I am worried. I am scared. I am tired of waiting. And I feel guilty for feeling these things. My mind wants so much to give up. My heart just will not let me. Instead it has me transcribing anything and everything into Serbian Cyrillic, learning, memorizing, determined to honor this piece of my child. Stubborn heart. It will not let me give her up. But how can I wait?

How can I wait until you come to me?
The once fleet mornings linger by the way;
Their sunny smiles touched with malicious glee
At my unrest, they seem to pause, and play
Like truant children, while I sigh and say,
How can I wait?

How can I wait? Of old, the rapid hours
Refused to pause or loiter with me long;
But now they idly fill their hands with flowers,
And make no haste, but slowly stroll among
The summer blooms, not heeding my one song,
How can I wait?

How can I wait? The nights alone are kind;
They reach forth to a future day, and bring
Sweet dreams of you to people all my mind;
And time speeds by on light and airy wing.
I feast upon your face, I no more sing,
How can I wait?

How can I wait? The morning breaks the spell
A pitying night has flung upon my soul.
You are not near me, and I know full well
My heart has need of patience and control;
Before we meet, hours, days, and weeks must roll,
How can I wait?

How can I wait? Oh, Love, how can I wait
Until the sunlight of your eyes shall shine
Upon my world that seems so desolate?
Until your hand-clasp warms my blood like wine;
Until you come again, oh, Love of mine,
How can I wait?

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox