Friday, March 20, 2009

no explanation

Every day that passes finds me trying to put more and more distance between myself and this adoption. Airfares are poised to skyrocket, we NEED to use some of our savings and we can't unless we either complete this adoption or give up (we went with a broken toilet for a week before finally admitting we had to spend some money on repairs) and emotionally I am not sure how much longer I have in me. I want our little girl, but I want my life back too. I am tired of our entire world revolving around the whims of some bureaucrats thousands of miles away. I am just ready to deal with the grief and move on.

Today I tried out the subject with Cade. A conversation that left me close to tears and deciding to put off any decisions at least for another week. I don't know how to explain all of this to our kids who have loved this child along with us for 10 months. Macy named her baby doll Angela. :(

Me: Cade, I want to talk to you about Emerson. I want you to know we might not be able to go get her.

Cade: [near tears] NO! I want you to go get Emerson!

Me: I know you do, we want that too. But we have been waiting a very long time and the people in Serbia might not let us go get her.

Cade: Then I'll go to Serbia and punch them and get her!

Me: That wouldn't be very nice, and we can't do that.

Cade: [slumping against me] Well I want to get her. They are just meanies.

Me: I know. We will keep trying really hard, but sometimes we just can't get what we want even though we want it so, so much.