still waiting

I know I don't post as frequently as I usually do. This blog was our family blog first and foremost, so I feel a bit guilty for neglecting updates on our present little ones.

But, what can I say, I am feeling very quiet lately. Not quite depressed, though I definitely have moments of sadness, just... like time has stopped and I am just waiting for it to start moving again.

Sometimes I feel like maybe all of this has unfolded this way because my strength is being tested, because Em's heart will not be an easy fix or maybe can't be fixed at all... because to be her mommy I will need to know how to be patient and steadfast.

Other times I feel that perhaps someone is telling me to let go, that this is not meant to be, and I continue to stubbornly cover my ears and hum loudly to block out that truth and so more and more roadblocks are placed in our path, waiting until we finally realize it's time to get off this road.

I don't know which it is, I guess only more time will reveal. We are getting ready to file our taxes and to our surprise, for once in our married years we will owe. More awful timing.

We have about 4 to 6 weeks left to get a travel date or make the very painful decision not to complete this adoption, leaving one more broken heart than with which we began. There is truly no other option. Our home study will expire soon after, adoptions will close down in Serbia for the summer, and we will not be able to continue. Right now I am still stubbornly hoping, still waiting.