faltering

I am not sure what my goal in this post is... I started this blog to share my thoughts on our family, our life, and I guess that is all I am doing here.

Two of our fellow families adopting from Serbia received encouraging news today - one dossier just waiting for a small thing and hopefully a travel date this week! And another probably coming for review in the next week or so. I am very happy for those little girls and their families, it has been a long wait for all of us!

Our sweet facilitator is doing all she can to move things along for Emerson and the necessary paperwork, but I can't help but feel discouraged. We have just 4 weeks left in which we can travel this year. I try to tell myself it will be next year, to conserve some emotional energy... maybe it will be January or February... but it is hard to convince Hope to shut up! ^_^

I cannot help but worry about her heart and it is hard to worry from afar, to feel so weak and powerless. Hearing the 50/50 chance of death if left uncorrected, the 25% chance of death even after it IS corrected... those numbers seem so abstract and manageable at first, because she is not yet in my arms, my lips have not yet brushed across her cheek. But when I try those numbers on Dawson, or Cade or Parker or Macy, absolute terror and despair springs up in me and it is hard to stop the tears.

It took a lot from us to make a committment to a child who could die before we even reached her, but it helped knowing we would do all in our power to get her home and healthy quickly. And we did. We've been waiting for that precious travel date about twice as long as it took us to compile our dossier. It's out of our hands and that is hard to accept.

I know I have to remain positive, hopeful, strong. But I would not be human if I did not have moments where I felt that strength faltering. Tonight is one of those moments.

I love you so much Emerson. Stay strong little heart!