Monday, May 25, 2009

an invisible red thread (part II)

connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

- An ancient Chinese belief

In two hours it will be May 26. It will have been one year since we made the committment to adopt Andjela. I thought we might have our ceremony tomorrow. I thought it would be sweetly ironic, straight out of that novel I keep meaning to write.

The Minister signed the paper today.

Andjela's Social Work Center is not "ready." They cannot do the ceremony until Wednesday or Thursday.

I don't think we've been very impatient. I think anyone who waits one year for a child they have never met surely could not be impatient.

I never thought I would be in Belgrade, walking up Kralja Milana and wiping tears discreetly from my cheeks, life busy going on around me. On the way back from the rather depressing ballet we saw tonight, we stopped for ice cream. The woman couldn't understand we wanted two cones - one lemon, one chocolate - and when she handed us one cone with one scoop of each, we grabbed a paper cup and spoon and meant to make do with what we were given. Well the top scoop missed the cup and landed on the sidewalk and I promptly saw the symbolism of this entire adoption and started crying in earnest. At least it was dark.

However much we are willing to stay longer, we must leave by next Tuesday. We will, without exaggeration, not be able to afford anything further. Any day Matt misses from work next week will be unpaid and may put his job on the line. Matt's parents cannot stay any longer than that - they have been amazing to take so much time out of work and life to be there for the kids, and they must get back to those things. We have 4 children at home and 1 on the way and we must think of them, too.

We are going home by next Tuesday, even if that is alone. If we cannot complete the adoption on Wednesday, we are going home this Saturday as planned.

Reflecting on that proverb above, I realize for the first time that it does not say we win in the end. It says we were meant to meet. And we did. And maybe adopting Andjela was not what was meant to be from this journey. Maybe it is something I will never understand.

No comments on this one. These words are only a shadow of a pain they can't express and I'd rather let them echo in the silence.